Preface

Julius Cæsar did write a collection of apophthegms, as appears in an epistle of Cicero; so did Macrobius, a consular man. I need say no more for the worth of a writing of that nature. It is pity Cæsar's book is lost: for I imagine they were collected with judgment and choice; whereas that of Plutarch and Stobæsus, and much more the modern ones, draw much of the dregs. Certainly they are of excellent use. They are mucrones verborum, pointed speeches. 'The words of the wise are as goads,' saith Solomon. Cicero prettily calleth them salinas, salt-pits, that you may extract salt out of, and sprinkle it where you will. They serve to be interlaced in continued speech. They serve to be recited upon occasion of themselves. They serve, if you take out the kernel of them, and make them your own. I have, for my recreation amongst more serious studies, collected some few of them: therein fanning the old; not omitting any, because they are vulgar, for many vulgar ones are excellent good; nor for the meanness of the person, but because they are dull and flat; and adding many new, that otherwise would have died.

Queen Elizabeth, the morrow of her coronation, it being the custom to release prisoners at the inauguration of a prince, went to the chapel; and in the great chamber, one of her courtiers, who was well known to her, either out of his own motion, or by the instigation of a wiser man, presented her with a petition; and before a great number of courtiers, besought her with a loud voice, 'That now this. good time, there might be four or five principal prisoners more released.' Those were the four evangelists and the apostle St. Paul, who had been long shut up in an unknown tongue, as it were in prison; so as they could not converse with the common people. The Queen answered very gravely, 'That it was best first to inquire of them, whether they would be released or no.'

Queen Ann Bullen, at the time when she was led to be beheaded in the Tower, called one of the king's privy chamber to her, and said unto him, 'Commend me to the king, and tell him, that he hath been ever constant in his course of advancing me: from a private gentlewoman he made me a marchioness; and from a marchioness a queen; and now, that he hath left no higher degree of earthly honour, he intends to crown my innocency with the glory of martyrdom.'

His majesty James the first, king of Great Britain, having made unto his parliament an excellent and large declaration, concluded thus: 'I have now given you a clear mirror of my mind; use it therefore like a mirror, and take heed how you let it fall, or how you soil it with your breath.'

A great officer in France was in danger to have lost his place; but his wife, by her suit and means making, made his peace; whereupon a pleasant fellow said, 'That he had been crushed, but that he saved himself upon his horns.'

His majesty said to his Parliament at another time, finding there were some causeless jealousies sown amongst them: 'That the king and his people, whereof the parliament is the representative body, were as husband and wife; and therefore that of all other things jealousy between them was the most pernicious.'

His majesty, when he thought his council might note in him some variety in businesses, though indeed he remained constant, would say, 'That the sun many times shineth watery; but it is not the sun which causeth it, but some cloud rising betwixt us and the sun: and when that is scattered, the sun is as it was, and comes to his former brightness.'

His majesty, in his answer to the book of the cardinal Evereux, who had in a grave argument of divinity sprinkled many witty ornaments of poesy and humanity, saith; 'That these flowers were like blue, and yellow, and red flowers in the corn, which make a pleasant show to those that look on, but they hurt the corn.'

Sir Edward Coke being vehement against the two provincial councils of Wales, and the North, said to the king: 'There was nothing there but a kind of confusion and hotch-potch of justice: one while they were a star-chamber; another while a king's bench; another, a common-pleas; another, a commission of oyer and terminer.' His majesty answered: 'Why, Sir Edward Coke, they be like houses in progress, where I have not, nor can have, such distinct rooms of state, as I have here at Whitehall, or at Hampton-court.'

The commissioners of the treasury moved the king, for the relief of his estate, to disafforest some forests of his, explaining themselves of such forests as lay out of the way, not near any of the king's houses, nor in the course of his progress; whereof he should never have use nor pleasure. 'Why,' saith the king, 'do you think that Solomon had use and pleasure of all his three hundred concubines?'

His majesty, when the committees of both houses of parliament presented unto them the instrument of union of England and Scotland, was merry with them; and amongst other pleasart speeches, showed unto them the laird of Lawreston, a Scotchman, who was the tallest and greatest man that was to be seen, and said, 'Well, now we are all one, yet none of you will say, But here is one Scotchman greater than any Englishman;' which was an ambiguous speech: but it was thought he meant it of himself.

His majesty would say to the lords of his council, when they sat upon any great matter, and came from council in to him, 'Well, you have sat, but what have you hatched?'

When the archduke did raise his siege from the Grave, the then secretary came to Queen Elizabeth. The queen, having first intelligence thereof, said to the secretary, 'Wot you what? The archduke has risen from the Grave.' He answered, 'What, without the trumpet of the archangel ?' The queen replied, 'Yes, without the sound of trumpet.'

Queen Elizabeth was importuned much by my lord of Essex, to supply divers great offices that had been long void; the queen answered nothing to the matter, but rose up on the sudden, and said, 'I am sure my office will not be long void.' And yet at that time there was much speech of troubles, and divisions about the crown, to be after her decease: but they all vanished; and king James came in, in a profound peace.

The council did make remonstrance unto Queen Elizabeth of the continual conspiracies against her life; and namely, that a man was lately taken, who stood ready in a very dangerous and suspicious manner to do the deed: and they showed her the weapon wherewith he thought to have acted it. And therefore they advised her that she should go less abroad to take the air weakly attended, as she used. But the queen answered, 'That she had rather be dead, than put in custody.'

The lady Paget, that was very private with Queen Elizabeth, declared herself much against the match with Monsieur. After Monsieur's death, the queen took extreme grief, at least as she made show, and kept in within her bed-chamber and one ante-chamber for three weeks' space, in token of mourning: at last she came forth into the privy-chamber, and admitted her ladies to have access unto her; and amongst the rest my lady Paget presented herself, and came to her with a smiling countenance. The queen bent her brows, and seemed to be highly displeased, and said to her, 'Madam, you are not ignorant of my extreme grief, and do you come to me with a countenance of joy?' My lady Paget answered, 'Alas, if it please your majesty, it is impossible for me to be absent from you three weeks, but that when I see you, I must look cheerfully.' 'No, no,' saith the queen, not forgetting her former averseness to the match, 'you have some other conceit in it, tell me plainly.' My lady answered, 'I must obey you; it is this. I was thinking how happy your majesty was, you married not Monsieur: for seeing you take such thought for his death, being but your friend; if he had been your husband, sure it would have cost you your life.'

King Henry the Fourth of France was so punctual of his word, after it was once passed, that they called him, 'The king of the faith.'

The said king Henry the Fourth was moved by his Parliament to a war against the Protestants: he answered, 'Yes, I mean it; I will make every one of you captains; you shall have companies assigned you.' The Parliament observing whereunto his speech tended, gave over, and deserted his motion.

Queen Elizabeth was wont to say, upon the commission of sales, 'That the commissioners used her like strawberry wives, that laid two or three great strawberries at the mouth of their pot, and all the rest were little ones; so they made her two or three good prizes of the first particulars, but fell straightways.'

Queen Elizabeth used to say of her instructions to great officers, 'That they were like to garments, strait at the first putting on, but did by and by wear loose enough.'

A great officer at court, when my lord of Essex was first in trouble, and that he and those that dealt for him would talk much of my lord's friends, and of his enemies, answered to one of them, 'I will tell you, I know but one friend and one enemy my lord hath, and that one friend is the queen, and that one enemy is himself.'

The book for deposing king Richard the Second, and the coming in of Henry the Fourth, supposed to be written by Dr. Hayward, who was committed to the Tower for it, had much incensed queen Elizabeth; and she asked Mr. Bacon, being then of her counsel learned, 'Whether there were any treason contained in it?' Who intending to do him a pleasure, and to take off the queen's bitterness with a merry conceit, answered, 'No, Madam, for treason I cannot deliver an opinion that there is any, but very much felony.' The queen, apprehending it gladly, asked, 'How? and wherein?' Mr. Bacon answered, 'Because he had stolen many of his sentences and conceits out of Cornelius Tacitus.'

Queen Elizabeth being to resolve upon a great office, and being by some, that canvassed for others, put in some doubt of that person whom she meant to advance, called for Mr. Bacon, and told him, 'She was like one with a lanthorn seeking a man;' and seemed unsatisfied in the choice she had of a man for that place. Mr. Bacon answered her, 'That he had heard that in old time there was usually painted on the church walls the day of doom, and God sitting in judgment, and St. Michael by him, with a pair of balances; and the soul and the good deeds in the one balance, and the faults and the evil deeds in the other: and the soul's balance went up far too light. Then was our lady painted with a great pair of beads, who cast them into the light balance, and brought down the scale: so, he said, place and authority, which were in her majesty's hands to give, were like our lady's beads, which though men, through any imperfections, were too light before, yet when they were cast in, made weight competent.'

Queen Elizabeth was dilatory enough in suits, of her own nature; and the lord treasurer Burleigh being a wise man, and willing therein to feed her humour, would say to her, 'Madam, you do well to let suitors stay; for I shall tell you, bis dat, qui cito dat; if you grant them speedily, they will come again the sooner.'

Sir Nicholas Bacon, who was keeper of the great seal of England, when queen Elizabeth in her progress came to his house at Gorhambury, and said to him, 'My lord, what a little house have you gotten!' answered her, 'Madam, my house is well, but it is you that have made me too great for my house.'

There was a conference in parliament between the Lords' house and the house of Commons about a bill of accountants, which came down from the Lords to the Commons; which bill prayed, 'That the lands of accountants, whereof they were seized when they entered upon their office, might be liable to their arrears to the queen.' But the Commons desired, 'That the bill might not look back to accountants that were already, but extend only to accountants hereafter.' But the lord treasurer said, 'Why, I pray you, if you had lost your purse by the way, would you look forwards, or would you look back? The queen hath lost her purse.'

The lord keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was asked his opinion by my lord of Leicester concerning two persons whom the queen seemed to think well of: 'By my troth, my lord,' said he, 'the one is a grave counsellor; the other is a proper young man; and so he will be as long as he lives.'

My lord of Leicester, favourite to queen Elizabeth, was making a large chase about Cornbury-park, meaning to inclose it with posts and rails; and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to. Mr. Goldingham, a free spoken man, stood by, and said to my lord, 'Methinks your lordship goeth not the cheapest way to work.' 'Why, Goldingham?' said my lord. 'Marry, my lord,' said Goldingham, 'count you but upon the posts, for the country will find you railing.'

The lord keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was asked his opinion by queen Elizabeth of one of these monopoly licenses? And he answered, 'Madam, will you have me speak the truth? Licentia omnes deteriores sumus.' We are all the worse for licenses.

My lord of Essex, at the succour of Roan, made twenty-four knights, which at that time was a great number. Divers of those gentlemen were of weak and small means; which when queen Elizabeth heard, she said, 'My lord might have done well to have built his almshouse, before he made his knights.'

The deputies of the reformed religion, after the massacre which was at Paris upon St. Bartholomew's day, treated with the king and queen-mother, and some other of the council, for a peace. Both sides were agreed upon the articles. The question was, upon the security for the performance. After some particulars propounded and rejected, the queen-mother said, 'Why, is not the word of a king sufficient security?' One of the deputies answered, 'No, by St. Bartholomew, Madam.'

There was a French gentleman speaking with an English, of the law Salique: that women were excluded from inheriting the crown of France. The English said, 'Yes; but that was meant of the women themselves, not of such males as claimed by women.' The French gentleman said, 'Where do you find that gloss?' The English answered, 'I'll tell you, Sir; look on the backside of the record of the law Salique, and there you shall find it indorsed,' implying there was no such thing as the law Salique, but that it is a mere fiction.

A friar of France, being in an earnest dispute about the law Salique, would needs prove it by Scripture; citing that verse of the Gospel: Lilia agra non laborant neque nent: the lilies of the field do neither labour nor spin; applying it thus: That the flower-de-luces of France cannot descend, neither to the distaff nor to the spade: that is, not to a woman, nor to a peasant.

When peace was renewed with the French in England, divers of the great counsellors were presented from the French with jewels; the lord Henry Howard, being then earl of Northampton, and a counsellor, was omitted. Whereupon the king said to him, 'My lord, how happens it that you have not a jewel as well as the rest?' My lord answered, according to the fable in Æsop: Non sum Gallus, itaque non reperi gemmam.

The same earl of Northampton, then lord privy seal, was asked by king James, openly at the table, where commonly he entertained the king with discourse; the king asked him upon the sudden, 'My lord, have you not a desire to see Rome?' My lord privy seal answered, 'Yes, indeed, sir.' The king said, 'And why?' My lord answered, 'Because, if it please your majesty, it was the seat of the greatest monarchy, and the seminary of the bravest men of the world, whilst it was heathen: and then, secondly, because afterwards it was the see of so many holy bishops in the primitive Church, most of them martyrs.' The king would not give it over, but said, 'And for nothing else?' My lord answered, 'Yes, if it please your Majesty, for two things more: the one, to see him, who, they say, hath so great power to forgive other men their sins, to confess his own sins upon his knees before a chaplain or priest: and the other, to hear Antichrist say his creed.'

Sir Nicholas Bacon being appointed a judge for the northern circuit, and having brought his trials that came before him to such a pass, as the passing of sentence on malefactors, he was by one of the malefactors mightily importuned for to save his life; which, when nothing that he had said did avail, he at length desired his mercy on account of kindred. 'Prithee,' said my lord judge, 'how came that in ?' 'Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog, and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred, that they are not to be separated.' 'Ay, but,' replied judge Bacon, 'you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged; for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged.'

Two scholars and a countryman travelling upon the road, one night lodged all in one inn, and supped together, where the scholars thought to have put a trick upon the countryman, which was thus: the scholars appointed for supper two pigeons, and a fat capon, which being ready was brought up, and they having sat down, the one scholar took up one pigeon, the other scholar took the other pigeon, thinking thereby that the countryman should have sat still, until that they were ready for the carving of the capon; which he perceiving, took the capon and laid it on his trencher, and thus said, 'Daintily contrived, every man a bird.'

Jack Roberts was desired by his tailor, when the reckoning grew somewhat high, to have a bill of his hand. Roberts said, 'I am content, but you must let no man know it.' When the tailor brought him the bill, he tore it as in choler, and said to him, 'You use me not well; you promised me that no man should know it, and here you have put in, Be it known unto all men by these presents.'

Sir Walter Raleigh was wont to say of the ladies of queen Elizabeth's privy-chamber and bed-chamber, 'that they were like witches, they could do no hurt, but they could do no good.'

There was a minister deprived for inconformity, who said to some of his friends, 'that if they deprived him, it should cost an hundred men's lives.' The party understood it, as if, being a turbulent fellow, he would have moved sedition, and complained of him; whereupon being convented and apposed upon that speech, he said his meaning was, 'that if he lost his benefice, he would practise physic, and then he thought he would kill an hundred men in time.'

When Rabelais, the great jester of France, lay on his death-bed, and they gave him the extreme unction, a familiar friend came to him afterwards, and asked him how he did? Rabelais answered, 'Even going my journey, they have greased my boots already.'

Mr. Bromley, solicitor, giving in evidence for a deed, which was impeached to be fraudulent, was urged by the counsel on the other side with this presumption, 'That in two former suits, when title was made, that deed was passed over in silence, and some other conveyance stood upon.' Mr. Justice Catline taking in with that side, asked the solicitor, 'I pray thee, Mr. Solicitor, let me ask you a familiar question; I have two geldings in my stable; I have divers times business of importance, and still I send forth one of my geldings, and not the other; would you not think I set him aside for a jade ?' 'No, my lord,' said Bromley, 'I would think you spared him for your own saddle.'

Thales, as he looked upon the stars, fell towards water; whereupon it was after said, 'that if he had looked into the water he might have seen the stars, but looking up to the stars he could not see the water.'

A thief being arraigned at the bar for stealing a mare, in his pleading urged many things in his own behalf, and at last nothing availing, he told the bench, the mare rather stole him, than he the mare; which in brief he thus related: That passing over several grounds about his lawful occasions, he was pursued close by a fierce mastiff dog, and so was forced to save himself by leaping over a hedge, which being of an agile body he effected; and in leaping, a mare standing on the other side of the hedge, leaped upon her back, who running furiously away with him, he could not by any means stop her, until he came to the next town, in which town the owner of the mare lived, and there was he taken, and here arraigned.

Master Mason of Trinity college, sent his pupil to another of the fellows, to borrow a book of him, who told him, 'I am loth to lend my books out of my chamber, but if it please thy tutor to come and read upon it in my chamber, he shall as long as he will.' It was winter, and some days after the same fellow sent to Mr. Mason to borrow his bellows; but Mr. Mason said to his pupil, 'I am loth to lend my bellows out of my chamber, but if thy tutor would come and blow the fire in my chamber, he shall as long as he will.'

A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading, took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said. 'I charge you in the king's name, to seize and take away that man (meaning the judge) in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him.'

In Flanders by accident a Flemish tiler fell from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, and killed him, though he escaped himself; the next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence, and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him but lex talionis: whereupon the judge said to him, 'that if he did urge that sentence, it must be that he go up to the top of the house, and then fall down upon the tiler.'

A rough-hewn seaman, being brought before a wise justice for some misdemeanor, was by him sent away to prison, and being somewhat refractory after he heard his doom, insomuch as he would not stir a foot from the place where he stood, saying, 'it were better to stand where he was than go to a worse place:' the justice thereupon to show the strength of his learning, took him by the shoulder, and said, 'Thou shalt go nogus vogus,' instead of nolens volens.

Francis the First of France used for his pleasure sometimes to go disguised: so walking one day in the company of the cardinal of Bourbon near Paris, he met a peasant with a new pair of shoes upon his arm: so he called unto him and said; 'By our lady, these be good shoes, what did they cost thee?' The peasant said, 'Guess.' The king said, 'I think some five sols.' Saith the peasant, 'You have lied; but a carlois' 'What, villain,' said the cardinal of Bourbon, 'thou art dead, it is the king.' The peasant replied; 'The devil take him of you and me, that knew so much.'

There was a young man in Rome that was very like Augustus Cæsar; Augustus took knowledge of him, and sent for the man, and asked him, 'Was your mother ever at Rome?' He answered; 'No Sir, but my father was.'

A physician advised his patient that had sore eyes, that he should abstain from wine; but the patient said, 'I think, rather, Sir, from wine and water; for I have often marked it in blue eyes, and I have seen water come forth, but never wine.'

A debauched seaman being brought before a justice of the peace upon the account of swearing, was by the justice commanded to deposit bis fine in that behalf provided, which was two shillings; he thereupon plucking out of his pocket half a crown, asked the justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing; the justice told him sixpence: quoth he, 'Then you are all a company of knaves and fools, and there's a half a crown for you, I will never stand changing of money.'

Augustus Cæsar was invited to supper by one of his old friends, that had conversed with him in his less fortunes, and had but ordinary entertainment; whereupon at his going away, he said, 'I did not know that you and I were so familiar.'

Agathocles, after he had taken Syracuse, the men whereof, during the siege, had in a bravery spoken of him all the villany that might be, sold the Syracusans for slaves, and said; 'Now if you use such words of me, I will tell your masters of you.'

Dionysius the elder, when he saw his son in many things very inordinate, said to him, 'Did you ever know me do such things?' His son answered, 'No, but you had not a tyrant to your father.' The father replied, 'No, nor you, if you take these courses, will have a tyrant to your son.'

Callisthenes, the philosopher, that followed Alexander's court, and hated the king, being asked by one, how one should become the famousest man in the world, answered, 'By taking away him that is.'

Agesilaus, when one told him there was one did excellently counterfeit a nightingale, and would have had him hear him, said; 'Why I have heard the nightingale herself.'

A great nobleman, upon the complaint of a servant of his, laid a citizen by the heels, thinking to bend him to his servants desire; but the fellow being stubborn, the servant came to his lord, and told him, 'Your lordship, I know, hath gone as far as well you may, but it works not; for yonder fellow is more perverse than before.' Said my lord, 'Let's forget him awhile, and then he will remember himself.'

One came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him, that he had brought his lordship a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by the way. Saith the cardinal to him, 'I'll tell thee what thou shalt do; go to such a cardinal, and such a cardinal,' naming him half-a-dozen cardinals, 'and tell them as much; and so whereas by thy horse, if he had been sound, thou couldest have pleased but one, with thy lame horse thou mayest please half-a-dozen.'

A witty rogue coming into a lace-shop, said, he had occasion for some lace; choice whereof being showed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them, how much they would have for so much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for. They told him, for so much: so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure on his own head, thus saying: 'one ear is here, and the other is nailed to the pillory at Bristol, and I fear you have not so much of this lace by you at present as will perfect my bargain: therefore this piece of lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, and provide the rest with all expedition.'

Iphicrates the Athenian, in a treaty that he had with the Lacedæmonians for peace, in which question was about security for observing the same, said, 'The Athenians would not accept of any security, except the Lacedæmonians did yield up unto them those things, whereby it might be manifest, that they could not hurt them if they would.'

Euripides would say of persons that were beautiful, and yet in some years, 'In fairest bodies not only the spring is pleasant, but also the autumn.'

There was a captain sent to an exploit by his general with forces that were not likely to achieve the enterprise; the captain said to him, 'Sir, appoint but half so many.' 'Why?' saith the general. The captain answered, 'Because it is better fewer die than more.'

There was a harbinger who had lodged a gentleman in a very ill room, who expostulated with him somewhat rudely; but the harbinger carelessly said: 'You will take pleasure in it when you are out of it.'

There is a Spanish adage, 'Love without end hath no end:' meaning, that if it were begun not upon particular ends it would last.

A woman being suspected by her husband for dishonesty, and being by him at last pressed very hard about it, made him quick answer with many protestations, 'that she knew no more of what he said than the man in the moon.' Now the captain of the ship called the Moon, was the very man she so much loved.

Demosthenes when he fled from the battle, and that it was reproached to him, said, 'that he that flies might fight again.'

Gonsalvo would say, 'The honour of a soldier ought to be of a strong web;' meaning, that it should not be so fine and curious, that every little disgrace should catch and stick in it.

Bias gave in precept, 'Love as if you should hereafter hate: and hate as if you should hereafter love.'

Cineas was an excellent orator and statesman, and principal friend and counsellor to Pyrrhus; and falling in inward talk with him, and discerning the king's endless ambition, Pyrrhus opened himself unto him, that he intended first a war upon Italy, and hoped to achieve it: Cineas asked him, 'Sir, what will you do then?' 'Then,' saith he, 'we will attempt Sicily.' Cineas said, 'Well, Sir, what then?' Saith Pyrrhus, 'If the gods favour us, we may conquer Africa and Carthage.' 'What then, Sir?' saith Cineas. 'Nay, then,' saith Pyrrhus, 'we may take our rest, and sacrifice and feast every day, and make merry with our friends.' 'Alas, Sir,' said Cineas, 'may we not do so now without all this ado?'

Lamia the courtezan had all power with Demetrius king of Macedon, and by her instigations he did many unjust and cruel acts; whereupon Lysimachus said, 'that it was the first time that ever he knew a courtezan play in a tragedy.'

Epaminondas, when his great friend and colleague in war was suitor to him to pardon an offender, denied him; afterwards, when a concubine of his made the same suit, he granted it to her; which, when Pelopidas seemed to take unkindly, he said 'Such suits are not to be granted to personages of worth.'

Thales being asked when a man should marry, said, 'Young men not yet, old men not at all.'

A company of scholars going together to catch conies, carried one scholar with them which had not much more wit than he was born with; and to him they gave in charge, that if he saw any, he should be silent, for fear of scaring of them. But he no sooner espied a company of rabbits, before the rest, but he cried aloud, Ecce multi cuniculi which in English signifies, 'Behold many conies,' which he had no sooner said, but the conies ran to their burrows: and he being checked by them for it, answered, 'Who the devil would have thought that the rabbits understood Latin?'

A Welchman being at a sessions-house, and seeing the prisoners hold up hands at the bar, related to some of his acquaintance there, 'that the judges were good fortune-tellers; for if they did but look upon their hands, they could certainly tell whether they should live or die.'

Solon compared the people unto the sea, and orators and counsellors to the winds: for that the sea would be calm and quiet, if the winds did not trouble it.

Socrates was pronounced by the oracle of Delphos to be the wisest man of Greece, which he would put from himself ironically, saying, 'there would be nothing in him to verify the oracle, except this, that he was not wise, and knew it; and others were not wise, and knew it not.'

Socrates, when there was showed him the book of Heraclitus the obscure, and was asked his opinion of it, answered, 'Those things which I understood were excellent, I imagine so were those I understood not; but they require a diver of Delos.'

Bion asked an envious man that was very sad, 'what harm had befallen unto him, or what good had befallen unto another man?'

Stilpo the philosopher, when the people flocked about him, and that one said to him, 'The people come wandering about you as if it were to see some strange beast!' 'No,' saith he, 'it is to see a man which Diogenes sought with his lanthorn at noon-day.'

A citizen of London passing the streets very hastily, came at last where some stop was made by carts, and some gentlemen talking together, who knew him: where being in some passion that he could not suddenly pass, one of them in this wise spoke unto him, 'that others had passed by, and there was room enough, only they could not tell whether their horns were so wide as his.'

A tinker passing Cheapside with his usual tone, 'Have you any work for a tinker?' an apprentice standing at a door opposite to a pillory there set up, called the tinker, with an intent to put a jest upon him, and told him, 'that he should do very well if he would stop those two holes in the pillory;' to which the tinker answered, 'that if he would but put in his head and ears a while in that pillory, he would bestow both brass and nails upon him to hold him in, and give him his labour into the bargain.'

There was in Oxford a cowardly fellow that was a very good archer. He was abused grossly by another, and moaned himself to Sir Walter Raleigh, then a scholar, and asked his advice, what he should do to repair the wrong had been offered him; Raleigh answered, 'Why, challenge him at a match of shooting.'

Whitehead, a grave divine, was much esteemed by queen Elizabeth; but not preferred, because he was against the government of bishops; he was of blunt stoical nature: he came one day to the queen, and the queen happened to say to him, 'I like thee the better, Whitehead, because thou livest unmarried.' He answered, 'In troth, Madam, I like you the worse for the same cause.'

Dr. Laud said, 'that some hypocrites and seeming mortified men, that held down their heads like bulrushes, were like the little images that they place in the very bowing of the vaults of churches, that look as if they held up the church, but are but puppets.'

There was a page that his master whipt naked, and when he had been whipt, would not put on his clothes: and when his master bade him, said, 'Take them you, for they are the hangman's fees.'

There was a lady of the west country, that gave great entertainment at her house to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabouts, and amongst others Sir Walter Raleigh was one. This lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, 'Are the pigs served?' Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was fast by the lady's, so as he heard her: a little before dinner, the lady came down in great state into the great chamber, which was full of gentlemen: and as soon as Sir Walter Raleigh set eye upon her, 'Madam,' saith he, 'are the pigs served ?' The lady answered, 'You know best whether you have had your breakfast.'

There were fishermen drawing the river at Chelsea: Mr. Bacon came thither by chance in the afternoon, and offered to buy their draught: they were willing. He asked them what they would take? They asked thirty shillings. Mr. Bacon offered them ten. They refused it. 'Why, then,' saith Mr. Bacon, 'I will be only a looker on.' They drew, and catched nothing. Saith Mr. Bacon, 'Are not you mad fellows now, that might have had an angel in your purse, to have made merry withal, and to have warmed you thoroughly, and now you must go home with nothing.' 'Ay but,' saith the fishermen, 'we had hope then to make a better gain of it.' Saith Mr. Bacon, 'Well, my master, then I will tell you, hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.'

A lady, walking with Mr. Bacon in Gray's Inn walks, asked him, 'Whose that piece of ground lying next under the walls was?' He answered, 'Theirs.' Then she asked him, 'If those fields beyond the walks were theirs too?' He answered, 'Yes, Madam, those are ours, as you are ours, to look on, and no more.'

His lordship, when he was newly made lord Keeper, was in Gray's Inn walks with Sir Walter Raleigh: one came and told him that the earl of Exeter was above. He continued upon occasion still walking a good while. At last when he came up, my lord of Exeter met him, and said, 'My lord, I have made a great venture, to come up so high stairs, being a gouty man.' His lordship answered, 'Pardon me, my lord, I have made the greatest venture of all; for I have ventured upon your patience.'

When Sir Francis Bacon was made the king's attorney, Sir Edward Coke was put up from being Lord Chief Justice of the common pleas, to be Lord Chief Justice of the king's bench; which is a place of greater honour but of less profit; and withal was made privy counsellor. After a few days, the Lord Coke meeting with the king's attorney, said unto him, 'Mr. Attorney, this is all your doing; it is you that have made this stir.' Mr. Attorney answered, 'Ah, my lord! your lordship all this while has grown in breadth; you must needs now grow in height, or else you would be a monster.'

One day queen Elizabeth told Mr. Bacon that my lord of Essex, after great protestation of penitence and affection, fell in the end but upon the suit of renewing of his farm of sweet wines. He answered 'I read that in nature there be two kinds of motions or appetites in sympathy; the one as of iron to the adamant, for perfection; the other as of the vine to the stake, for sustentation; that her majesty was the one, and his suit the other.'

Mr. Bacon, after he had been vehement in parliament against depopulation and in closures; and that soon after the queen told him that she had referred the hearing of Mr. Mill's cause to certain counsellers and judges; and asked him how he liked of it? answered, 'Oh, Madam, my mind is known; I am against all inclosures, and especially against inclosed justice.'

When Sir Nicholas Bacon the lord keeper lived, every room in Gorhambury was served with a pipe of water from the ponds, distant about a mile off. In the lifetime of Mr. Anthony Bacon, the water ceased. After whose death, his lordship coming to the inheritance, could not recover the water without infinite charge: when he was lord chancellor, he built Verulam house, close by the pond yard, for a place of privacy when he was called upon to dispatch any urgent business. And being asked, why he had built that house there; his lordship answered, 'that since he could not carry the water to his house, he would carry his house to the water.'

When my lord president of the council came first to be lord treasurer, he complained to my lord chancellor of the troublesomeness of the place; for that the exchequer was so empty; the lord chancellor answered, 'My lord, be of good cheer, for now you shall see the bottom of your business at the first.'

When his lordship was newly advanced to the great seal, Gondomar came to visit him. My lord said, that he was to thank God and the king for that honour; but yet, so he might be rid of the burden, he could very willingly forbear the honour; and that he formerly had a desire, and the same continued with him still, to lead a private life. Gondomar answered, that he would tell him a tale of an old rat, that would needs leave the world, and acquainted the young rats that he would retire into his hole, and spend his days solitarily, and would enjoy no more comfort; and commanded them upon his high displeasure, not to offer to come in unto him. They forbore two or three days; at last, one that was more hardy than the rest incited some of his fellows to go in with him, and he would venture to see how his father did; for he might be dead. They went in, and found the old rat sitting in the midst of a rich Parmesan cheese. So he applied the fable after his witty manner.

Rabelais tells a tale of one that was very fortunate in compounding differences. His son undertook the said course, but could never compound any. Whereupon he came to his father, and asked him, what art he had to reconcile differences? He answered, 'he had no other but this: to watch when the two parties were much wearied, and their hearts were too great to seek reconcilement at one another's hands; then to be a means betwixt them, and upon no other terms.' After which the son went home and prospered in the same undertakings.

Alonso Cartilio was informed by his steward of the greatness of his expense, being such as he could not hold out therewith. The bishop asked him, wherein it chiefly arose? His steward told him, in the multitude of his servants. The bishop bade him to make him a note of those that were necessary, and those that might be spared. Which he did. And the bishop taking occasion to read it before most of his servants, said to his steward, 'Well, let these remain because I have need of them; and these other also because they have need of me.'

Mr. Marbury the preacher would say, 'that God was fain to do with wicked men, as men do with frisking jades in a pasture, that cannot take them up, till they get them at a gate. So wicked men will not be taken up till the hour of death.'

Pope Sixtus the fifth, who was a very poor man's son, and his father's house ill thatched, so that the sun came in in many places, would sport with his ignobility, and say, 'that he was nato di casa illustre: son of an illustrious house.'

When the king of Spain conquered Portugal, he gave special charge to his lieutenant that the soldiers should not spoil, lest he should alienate the hearts of the people: the army also suffered much scarcity of victual. Whereupon the Spanish soldiers would afterwards say, 'that they had won the king a kingdom on earth, as the kingdom of heaven used to be won: by fasting and abstaining from that which is another man's.'

They feigned a tale of Sixtus Quintus, whom they called Size-ace, that after his death he went to hell, and the porter of hell said to him, 'You have some reason to offer yourself to this place, because you were a wicked man; but yet, because you were a pope, I have order not to receive you: you have a place of your own, purgatory; you may go thither.' So he went away, and sought about a great while for purgatory, and could find no such place. Upon that he took heart, and went to heaven, and knocked; and St. Peter asked, 'Who was there?' He said, 'Sixtus pope.' Whereunto St. Peter said, 'Why do you knock? you have the keys.' Sixtus answered, 'It is true; but it is so long since they were given, that I doubt the wards of the lock be altered.'

Charles, king of Sweden, a great enemy of the Jesuits, when he took any of their colleges, he would hang the old Jesuits, and put the young to his mines, saying, 'that since they wrought so hard above ground, he would try how they could work under ground.'

In chancery, at one time when the counsel of the parties set forth the boundaries of the land in question, by the plot: and the counsel of one part said, 'We lie on this side, my lord;' and the counsel of the other part said, 'And we lie on this side;' the lord chancellor Hatton stood up and said; 'If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me to believe?'

Sir Edward Coke was wont to say, when a great man came to dinner to him, and gave him no knowledge of his coming, 'Sir, since you sent me no word of your coming, you must dine with me; but if I had known of it in due time, I would have dined with you.'

Pope Julius the third, when he was made pope, gave his hat unto a youth, a favourite of his, with great scandal. Whereupon, at one time, a cardinal that might be free with him, said modestly to him, 'What did your holiness see in that young roan, to make him cardinal?' Julius answered, 'What did you see in me to make me pope?'

The same Julius, upon like occasion of speech, why he should bear so great affection to the same young man? would say, 'that lie found by astrology that it was the youth's destiny to be a great prelate; which was impossible except himself were pope. And therefore that he did raise him, as the driver on of his own fortune.'

Sir Thomas More had only daughters at the first, and his wife did ever pray for a boy. At last she had a boy, which being come to man's estate, proved but simple. Sir Thomas said to his wife, 'Thou prayedst so long for a boy, that he will be a boy as long as he lives.'

Sir Fulk Grevil, afterwards lord Brook, in parliament, when the House of Commons, in a great business, stood much upon precedents, said unto them, 'Why do you stand so much upon precedents? The times hereafter will be good or bad. If good, precedents will do no harm; if bad, power will make a way where it finds none.'

Sir Thomas More on the day that he was beheaded, had a barber sent to him, because his hair was long; which was thought would make him more commiserated with the people. The barber came to him, and asked him, 'Whether he would be pleased to be trimmed?' 'In good faith, honest fellow,' saith Sir Thomas, 'the king and I have a suit for my head; and till the title be cleared, I will do no cost upon it.'

Stephen Gardiner, bishop of Winchester, a great champion of the popish religion, was wont to say of the Protestants who ground upon the Scripture, 'That they were like posts, that bring truth in their letters, and lies in their mouths.'

The former Sir Thomas More had sent him by a suitor in chancery two silver flagons. When they were presented by the gentleman's servant, he said to one of his men, 'Have him to the cellar, and let him have of my best wine:' and, turning to the servant, said, 'Tell thy master, if he like it, let him not spare it.'

Michael Angelo, the famous painter, painting in the pope's chapel the portraiture of hell and damned souls, made one of the damned souls so like a cardinal that was his enemy, as everybody at first sight knew it. Whereupon the cardinal complained to Pope Clement, humbly praying it might be defaced. The pope said to him, 'Why, you know very well, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell.'

There was an agent here for the Dutch, called Carroon; and when he used to move the queen for farther succours and more men, my lord Henry Howard would say, 'That he agreed well with the name of Charon, ferryman of hell; for he came still for more men, to increase regnum umbrarum'

They were wont to call referring to the masters in chancery, committing. My lord keeper Egerton, when he was master of the rolls, was wont to ask, 'What the cause had done that it should be committed?'

They feigned a tale, principally against doctors' reports in the chancery, that Sir Nicholas Bacon, when he came to heaven gate, was opposed, touching an unjust decree which had been made in the chancery. Sir Nicholas desired to see the order, whereupon the decree was drawn up; and finding it to begin, Veneris, &c., 'Why,' saith he, 'I was then sitting in the star-chamber; this concerns the master of the rolls: let him answer it.' Soon after came the master of the rolls, Cordal, who died indeed a small time after Sir Nicholas Bacon; and he was likewise stayed upon it: and looking into the order he found, that upon the reading of a certificate of Dr. Gibson, it was ordered that his report should be decreed. And so he put it upon Dr. Gibson, and there it stuck.

Sir Nicholas Bacon, when a certain nimble-witted counsellor at the bar, who was forward to speak did interrupt him often, said unto him, 'There is a great difference betwixt you and me: a pain to me to speak, and a pain to you to hold your peace.'

The same Sir Nicholas Bacon, upon bills exhibited to discover where lands lay, upon proof that they had a certain quantity of land, but could not set it forth, was wont to say: 'And if you cannot find your land in the country, how will you have me find it in the chancery?'

Mr. Howland, in conference with a young student, arguing a case, happened to say, 'I would ask you but this question.' The student presently interrupted him, to give him an answer. Whereunto Mr. Howland gravely said, 'Nay, though I ask you a question, yet I did not mean you should answer me; I mean to answer myself.'

Pope Adrian the sixth was talking with the duke of Sesa, 'that Pasquil gave great scandal, and that he would have him thrown into the river:' but Sesa answered, 'Do it not, holy father, for then he will turn frog; and whereas now he chants but by day, he will then chant both by day and night.'

There was a gentleman in Italy that wrote to a great friend of his, whom the pope had newly advanced to be cardinal, that he was very glad of his advancement, for the cardinal's own sake; but he was sorry that himself had lost a good friend.

There was a king of Hungary took a bishop in battle, and kept him prisoner; whereupon the pope writ a monitory to him, for that he had broken the privilege of holy church, and taken his son. The king sent an embassage to him, and sent withal the armour wherein the bishop was taken, and this only in writing, 'Vide num hæc sit vestis filii tui: - Know now whether this be thy son's coat.'

Sir Amyas Pawlet, when he saw too much haste made in any matter, was wont to say, 'Stay a while, that we may make an end the sooner.'

A master of the requests to Queen Elizabeth had divers times moved for audience, and been put off. At last he came to the queen in a progress, and had on a new pair of boots. The queen, who loved not the smell of new leather, said to him, 'Fy, sloven, thy new boots stink.' 'Madam,' said he, 'it is not my new boots that stink; but it is the stale bills that I have kept so long.'

At an act of the commencement, the answerer gave for his question, that an aristocracy was better than a monarchy. The replier, who was a dissolute man, did tax him, that being a private bred man, he would give a question of state. The answerer said, that the replier did much wrong the privilege of scholars, who would be much straitened if they should give questions of nothing but such things wherein they are practised: and added, 'We have heard yourself dispute of virtue, which no man will say you put much in practice.'

Queen Isabella of Spain used to say, 'Whosoever hath a good presence and a good fashion, carries continual letters of recommendation.'

Alonso of Arragon was wont to say in commendation of age, 'That age appeared to be best in four things: old wood best to burn; old wine to drink; old friends to trust; and old authors to read.'

It was said of Augustus, and afterwards the like was said of Septimius Severus, both which did infinite mischief in their beginnings, and infinite good towards their ends, 'that they should either have never been born or never died.'

Constantine the Great, in a kind of envy, himself being a great builder, as Trajan likewise was, would call Trajan Parietaria: wall-flower; because his name was upon so many walls.

Alonso of Arragon was wont to say of himself, 'That he was a great necromancer, for that he used to ask counsel of the dead;' meaning of books.

Ethelwold, bishop of Winchester, in a famine, sold all the rich vessels and ornaments of the church, to relieve the poor with bread; and said, 'there was no reason that the dead temples of God should be sumptuously furnished, and the living temples suffer penury.'

Many men, especially such as affect gravity, have a manner after other men's speech to shake their heads. A great officer of this land would say, 'It was as men shake a bottle, to see if there were any wit in their heads or no.'

After a great fight, there came to the camp of Gonsalvo the great captain, a gentleman, proudly horsed and armed. Diego de Mendoza asked the great captain, 'Who is this ?' Who answered, 'It is Saint Ermin, who never appears but after a storm.'

There was one that died greatly in debt: when it was reported in some company, where divers of his creditors casually were, that he was dead, one began to say, 'Well, if he be gone, then he hath carried five hundred ducats of mine with him into the other world;' and another said, 'And two hundred of mine;' and a third spake of great sums of his. Whereupon one that was amongst them said, 'I perceive now, that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him into the next world, yet he may carry away that which is another man's.'

Francis Carvajal, that was the great captain of the rebels of Peru, had often given the chase to Diego Centeno, a principal commander of the emperor's party: he was afterwards taken by the emperors lieutenant Gasca, and committed to the custody of Diego Centeno, who used him with all possible courtesy; insomuch as Carvajal asked him, 'I pray, Sir, who are you that use me with this courtesy?' Centeno said, 'Do not you know Diego Centeno?' Carvajal answered, 'Truly, Sir, I have been so used to see your back, as I knew not your face.'

There was a merchant died that was very far in debt; his goods and household stuff were set forth to sale. A stranger would needs buy a pillow there, saying, 'This pillow sure is good to sleep upon, since he could sleep that owed so many debts.'

A lover met his lady in a close chair, she thinking to have gone unknown; he came and spake to her. She asked him, 'How did you know me?' He said, 'Because my wounds bleed afresh,' alluding to the common tradition, that the wounds of a body slain will bleed afresh upon the approach of the murderer.

A gentleman brought music to his lady's window. She hated him, and had warned him often away; and when he would not desist, she threw stones at him. Whereupon a gentleman said unto him that was in his company, 'What greater honour can you have to your music, than that stones come about you, as they did to Orpheus?'

Coranus the Spaniard, at a table at dinner, fell into an extolling his own father, saying, 'If he could have wished of God, he could not have chosen amongst men a better father.' Sir Henry Savil said, 'What, not Abraham?' Now Coranus was doubted to descend of a race of Jews.

Bresquet, jester to Francis the first of France, did keep a calendar of fools, wherewith he did use to make the king sport, telling him ever the reason why he put any one into his calendar. When Charles the fifth, emperor, upon confidence of the noble nature of Francis, passed through France, for the appeasing of the rebellion of Gaunt, Bresquet put him into his calendar. The king asked him the cause. He answered, 'Because you having suffered at the hands of Charles the greatest bitterness that ever prince did from another, nevertheless he would trust his person into your hands.' 'Why, Bresquet,' said the king, 'what wilt thou say, if thou seest him pass back in as great safety, as if he marched through the midst of Spain?' Saith Bresquet, 'Why then I will put him out, and put in you.'

Archbishop Grindall was wont to say, 'that the physicians here in England were not good at the cure of particular diseases; but had only the power of the Church, to bind and loose.'

Cosmus duke of Florence was wont to say of perfidious friends, 'that we read, that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought our friends.'

A papist being opposed by a protestant, 'that they had no Scripture for images,' answered, 'Yes; for you read that the people laid their sick in the streets, that the shadow of St. Peter might come upon them; and that a shadow was an image, and the obscurest of all images.'

Sir Edward Dyer, a grave and wise gentleman, did much believe in Kelly the alchemist, that he did indeed the work, and did make gold; insomuch that he went into Germany, where Kelly then was, to inform himself fully thereof. After his return, he dined with my lord of Canterbury; where at that time was at the table Dr. Brown the physician. They fell in talk of Kelly. Sir Edward Dyer, turning to the archbishop, said 'I do assure your grace, that what I shall tell you is truth; I am an eye-witness thereof; and if I had not seen it, I should not have believed it. I saw Mr. Kelly put of the base metal into the crucible; and after it was set a little upon the fire, and a very small quantity of the medicine put in, and stirred with a stick of wood, it came forth in great proportion, perfect gold; to the touch, to the hammer, and to the test.' My lord archbishop said; 'You had need take heed what you say, Sir Edward Dyer, for here is an infidel at the board.' Sir Edward Dyer said again pleasantly, 'I should have looked for an infidel sooner in any place than at your grace's table.' 'What say you. Dr. Brown?' said the archbishop. Dr. Brown answered, after his blunt and huddling manner; 'The gentleman hath spoken enough for me.' 'Why,' said the archbishop, 'what hath he said?' 'Marry,' saith Dr. Brown, 'he said, he would not have believed it, except he had seen it: and no more will I.'

Doctor Johnson said, that in sickness there were three things that were material; the physician, the disease, and the patient: and if any two of these joined, then they get the victory; for Ne Hercules quidem contra duos. If the physician and the patient join, then down goes the disease; for then the patient recovers: if the physician and the disease join, that is a strong disease; and the physician mistaking the cure, then down goes the patient: if the patient and the disease join, then down goes the physician; for he is discredited.

Mr. Bettenham said, that virtuous men were like some herbs and spices, that give not out their sweet smell, till they be broken or crushed.

There was a painter became a physician: whereupon one said to him; 'You have done well; for before the faults of your work were seen; but now they are unseen.'

There was a gentleman that came to the tilt all in orange-tawney, and ran very ill. The next day he came again all in green, and ran worse. There was one of the lookers-on asked another; 'What is the reason that this gentleman changeth his colours?' The other answered, 'Sure, because it may be reported, that the gentleman in the green ran worse than the gentleman in the orange-tawney.'

Zelim was the first of the Ottomans that did shave his beard, whereas his predecessors wore it long. One of his bashaws asked him why he altered the custom of his predecessors? He answered, 'Because you bashaws may not lead me by the beard, as you did them.'

Æneas Sylvius, that was Pope Pius Secundus, was wont to say: that the former popes did wisely to set the lawyers a-work to debate, whether the donation of Constantine the Great to Sylvester, of St. Peter's patrimony, were good or valid in law or no? the better to skip over the matter in fact, whether there was ever any such thing at all or no.

The lord bishop Andrews was asked at the first coming over of the archbishop of Spalato, whether he were a protestant or no? He answered: 'Truly I know not; but I think he is a detestant;' that was, of most of the opinions of Rome.

It was said amongst some of the grave prelates of the council of Trent, in which the school-divines bare the sway, that the schoolmen were like astronomers, who, to save the phenomena, framed to their conceit eccentrics and epicycles, and a wonderful engine of orbs, though no such things were: so they, to save the practice of the church, had devised a great number of strange positions.

Æneas Sylvius would say, that the Christian faith and law, though it had not been confirmed by miracles, yet was worthy to be received for the honesty thereof.

Mr. Bacon would say, that it was in his business, as it is frequently in the ways: that the next way is commonly the foulest; and that if a man will go the fairest way, he must go somewhat about.

Mr. Bettenham, reader of Gray's Inn, used to say, that riches were like muck; when it lay in a heap it gave but a stench and ill odour; but when it was spread upon the ground, then it was cause of much fruit.

Cicero married his daughter to Dolabella, that held Cæsar's party: Pompey had married Julia, that was Cæsar's daughter. After, when Cæsar and Pompey took arms one against the other, and Pompey had passed the seas, and Cæsar possessed Italy, Cicero stayed somewhat long in Italy, but at last sailed over to join with Pompey; when he came to him, Pompey said, 'You are welcome; but where left you your son-in-law ?' Cicero answered, 'With your father-in-law.'

Vespasian and Titus his eldest son were both absent from Rome when the empire was cast upon Vespasian; Domitian his younger son was at Rome, who took upon him the affairs ; and being of a turbulent spirit, made many changes, and displaced divers officers and governors of provinces, sending them successors. So when Vespasian returned to Rome, and Domitian came into his presence, Vespasian said to him: 'Son, I looked when you would have sent me a successor.'

Galba succeeded Nero, and his age being despised, there was much licence and confusion in Rome during his empire; whereupon a senator said in full senate: 'It were better to live where nothing is lawful, than where all things are lawful.'

Augustus Cæsar did write to Livia, who was over-sensible of some ill words that had been spoken of them both: 'Let it not trouble thee, my Livia, if any man speak ill of us; for we have enough that no man can do ill unto us.'

Chilon said, that kings' friends, and favourites, were like casting counters, that sometimes stood for one, sometimes for ten, sometimes for an hundred.

Theodosius, when he was pressed by a suitor, and denied him, the suitor said, 'Why, sir, you promised it.' He answered: 'I said it, but I did not promise it, if it be unjust.'

The Romans, when they spake to the people, were wont to style them, Ye Romans: when commanders in war spake to their army, they styled them, My soldiers. There was a mutiny in Cæsar's army, and somewhat the soldiers would have had, yet they would not declare themselves in it, but only demanded a mission, or discharge; though with no intention it should be granted: but, knowing that Cæsar had at that time great need of their service, thought by that means to wrench him to their other desires: whereupon with one cry they asked mission. Cæsar, after silence made, said: 'I for my part, ye Romans.' This title did actually speak them to be dismissed: which voice they had no sooner heard, but they mutinied again, and would not suffer him to go on with his speech until he had called them by the name of his soldiers: and so with that one word he appeased the sedition.

Cæsar would say of Sylla, for that he did resign his dictatorship: 'Sylla was ignorant of letters, he could not dictate.'

Seneca said of Cæsar, 'that he did quickly show the sword, but never leave it off.'

Diogenes begging, as divers philosophers then used, did beg more of a prodigal man, than of the rest which were present. Whereupon one said to him: 'See your baseness, that when you find a liberal mind, you will take most of him.' 'No,' said Diogenes, 'but I mean to beg of the rest again.'

Themistocles, when an ambassador from a mean estate did speak great matters, said to him, 'Friend, thy words would require a city.'

They would say of the Duke of Guise, Henry, 'that he was the greatest usurer in France, for that he had turned all his estate into obligations.' Meaning, that he had sold and oppignerated all his patrimony to give large donatives to other men.

Cæsar Borgia, after long division between him and the lords of Romagna, fell to accord with them. In this accord there was an article, that he should not call them at any time all together in person. The meaning was, that knowing his dangerous nature, if he meant them treason, he might have opportunity to oppress them all together at once. Nevertheless, he used such fine art, and fair carriage, that he won their confidence to meet all together in council at Cinigaglia; where he murdered them all. This act when it was related unto pope Alexander, his father, by a cardinal, as a thing happy, but very perfidious; the pope said, 'It was they that broke their covenant first, in coming all together.'

Titus Quinctius was in the council of the Achaians, what time they deliberated, whether in the war then to follow, between the Romans and king Antiochus, they should confederate themselves with the Romans, or with king Antiochus? In that council the Ætolians, who incited the Achaians against the Romans, to disable their forces, gave great words, as if the late victory the Romans had obtained against Philip king of Macedon, had been chiefly by the strength of forces of the Ætolians themselves: and on the other side the ambassador of Antiochus did extol the forces of his master; sounding what an innumerable company he brought in his army; and gave the nations strange names; as Elymæans, Caducians, and others. After both their harangues, Titus Quinctius, when he rose up, said: 'It was an easy matter to perceive what it was that had joined Antiochus and the Ætolians together; that it appeared to be by the reciprocal lying of each, touching the other's forces.'

The Lacedæmonians were besieged by the Athenians in the port of Pyle, whith was won, and some slain, and some taken. There was one said to one of them that was taken, by way of scorn, 'Were they not brave men that lost their lives at the port of Pyle?' He answered, 'Certainly a Persian arrow is much to be set by, if it can choose out a brave man.'

Clodius was acquitted by a corrupt jury, that had palpably taken shares of money: before they gave up their verdict, they prayed of the senate a guard, that they might do their consciences, for that Clodius was a very seditious young nobleman. Whereupon all the world gave him for condemned. But acquitted he was. Catulus, the next day seeing some of them that had acquitted him together, said to them, 'What made you ask of us a guard? Were you afraid your money should be taken from you?'

At the same judgment, Cicero gave in evidence upon oath: and when the jury, which consisted of fifty-seven, had passed against his evidence, one day in the senate Cicero and Clodius being in altercation, Clodius upbraided him, and said, 'The jury gave you no credit.' Cicero answered, 'Five-and-twenty gave me credit: but there were two-and-thirty that gave you no credit, for they had their money beforehand.'

Sir Henry Savil was asked by my lord of Essex his opinion touching poets? He answered my lord: 'that he thought them the best writers, next to them that writ prose.'

Diogenes, having seen that the kingdom of Macedon, which before was contemptible and low, began to come aloft when he died, asked, how he would be buried? He answered, 'With my face downwards; for within a while, the world will be turned upside down, and then I shall lie right.'

Cato the elder was wont to say, that the Romans were like sheep; a man were better to drive a flock of them, than one of them.

When Lycurgus was to reform and alter the state of Sparta, in consultation one advised, that it should be reduced to an absolute popular equality: but Lycurgus said to him, 'Sir, begin it in your own house.'

Bion, that was an atheist, was showed in a port city, in a temple of Neptune, many tables of pictures, of such as had in tempests made their vows to Neptune, and were saved from shipwreck: and was asked, 'How say you now? Do you not acknowledge the power of the gods?' But saith he, 'Ay, but where are they painted that have been drowned after their vows?'

Cicero was at dinner, where there was an ancient lady that spake of her own years, and said, 'she was but forty years old.' One that sat by Cicero rounded him in the ear, and said, 'She talks of forty years old; but she is far more out of question.' Cicero answered him again, 'I must believe her, for I have heard her say so any time these ten years.'

There was a soldier that vaunted before Julius Cæsar of the hurts he had received in his face. Julius Csar, knowing him to be but a coward, told him, 'You were best take heed next time you run away, how you look back.'

There was a suitor to Vespasian, who, to lay his suit fairer, said it was for his brother; whereas indeed it was for a piece of money. Some about Vespasian told the emperor to cross him, that the party his servant spoke for, was not his brother; but that he did it upon a bargain. Vespasian sent for the party interested, and asked him, 'Whether his mean employed by him was his brother or no?' He durst not tell untruth to the emperor, and confessed he was not his brother. Whereupon the emperor said, 'This do, fetch me the money and you shall have your suit despatched.' Which he did. The courtier, which was the mean, solicited Vespasian soon after about his suit: 'Why,' saith Vespasian, 'I gave it last day to a brother of mine.'

Vespasian asked of Apollonius, what was the cause of Nero's ruin? Who answered, 'Nero could tune the harp well, but in government he did always wind up the strings too high, or let them down too low.'

Dionysius the tyrant, after he was deposed and brought to Corinth, kept a school. Many used to visit him; and amongst others, one, when he came in, opened his mantle and shook his clothes; thinking to give Dionysius a gentle scorn; because it was the manner to do so for them that came in to see him while he was a tyrant. But Dionysius said to him, 'I prithee do so, rather, when thou goest out, that we may see thou stealest nothing away.'

Diogenes, one terrible frosty morning, came into the market-place, and stood naked, to show his tolerance. Many of the people came about him pitying him: Plato passing by, and knowing he did it to be seen, said to the people as he went by, 'If you pity him indeed, let him alone to himself.'

Aristippus was earnest suitor to Dionysius for some grant, who would give no ear to his suit. Aristippus fell at his feet, and then Dionysius granted it. One that stood by said afterwards to Aristippus, 'You a philosopher, and be so base as to throw yourself at the tyrants feet to get a suit.' Aristippus answered, 'The fault is not mine, but the fault is in Dionysius, that carries his ears in his feet.'

Solon, when he wept for his son's death, and one said to him, 'Weeping will not help;' answered, 'Alas, therefore I weep, because weeping will not help.'

The same Solon being asked, whether he had given the Athenians the best laws? answered, 'The best of those that they would have received.'

One said to Aristippus, ''Tis a strange thing, why men should rather give to the poor, than to philosophers.' He answered, 'Because they think themselves may sooner come to be poor, than to be philosophers.'

Trajan would say of the vain jealousy of princes, that seek to make away those that aspire to their succession, 'that there was never king that did put to death his successor.'

When it was represented to Alexander, to the advantage of Antipater, who was a stern and imperious man, that he only of all his lieutenants wore no purple, but kept the Macedonian habit of black; Alexander said, 'Yea, but Antipater is all purple within.'

Alexander used to say of his two friends, Craterus and Hephæstion, that Hephæstion loved Alexander, and Craterus loved the king.

It fell out so, that as Livia went abroad in Rome, there met her naked young men that were sporting in the streets, which Augustus went about severely to punish in them; but Livia spake for them, and said, 'It was no more to chaste women than so many statues.'

Philip of Macedon was wished to banish one for speaking ill of him; but Philip answered, 'Better he speak where we are both known, than where we are both unknown.'

Lucullus entertained Pompey in one of his magnificent houses: Pompey said, 'This is a marvellous fair and stately house for the summer; but methinks it should be very cold for winter.' Lucullus answered, 'Do you not think me as wise as divers fowls are, to change my habitation in the winter season?'

Plato entertained some of his friends at a dinner, and had in the chamber a bed, or couch, neatly and costly furnished. Diogenes came in, and got up upon the bed, and trampled it, saying, 'I trample upon the pride of Plato.' Plato mildly answered, 'But with greater pride, Diogenes.'

Pompey being commissioner for sending grain to Rome in time of dearth, when he came to the sea, found it very tempestuous and dangerous, insomuch as those about him advised him by no means to embark; but Pompey said, 'It is of necessity that I go, not that I live.'

Demosthenes was upbraided by Æschines, that his speeches did smell of the lamp. But Demosthenes said, 'Indeed there is a great deal of difference between that which you and I do by lamp-light.'

Demades the orator, in his old age was talkative, and would eat hard: Antipater would say of him, that he was like a sacrifice, that nothing was left of it but the tongue and the paunch.

Themistocles, after he was banished, and had wrought himself into great favour afterwards, so that he was honoured and sumptuously served, seeing his present glory, said unto one of his friends, 'If I had not been undone, I had been undone.'

Philo Judæus saith, that the sense is like the sun; for the sun seals up the globe of heaven, and opens the globe of earth; so the sense doth obscure heavenly things, and reveals earthly things.

Alexander, after the battle of Granicum, had very great offers made him by Darius; consulting with his captains concerning them, Parmenio said, 'Sure I would accept of these offers, if I were as Alexander.' Alexander answered, 'So would I if I were as Parmenio.'

Augustus Cæsar would say, that he wondered that Alexander feared he should want work, having no more worlds to conquer: as if it were not as hard a matter to keep as to conquer.

Antigonus, when it was told him that the enemy had such volleys of arrows that they did hide the sun, said, 'That falls out well, for it is hot weather, and so we shall fight in the shade.'

Cato the elder, being aged, buried his wife, and married a young woman. His son came to him, said, 'Sir, what have I offended, that you have brought a step-mother into your house?' The old man answered, 'Nay, quite contrary, son: thou pleasest me so well, as I would be glad to have more such.'

Crassus the orator had a fish which the Romans called Muroena, that he made very tame and fond of him; the fish died, and Crassus wept for it. One day falling in contention with Domitius in the senate, Domitius said, 'Foolish Crassus, you wept for your Muroena.' Crassus replied, 'That is more than you did for both your wives.'

Philip, Alexander's father, gave sentence against a prisoner what time he was drowsy, and seemed to give small attention. The prisoner, after sentence was pronounced, said, 'I appeal.' The king, somewhat stirred, said, 'To whom do you appeal?' The prisoner answered, 'From Philip when he gave no ear, to Philip when he shall give ear.'

There was a philosopher that disputed with the emperor Adrian, and did it but weakly. One of his friends that stood by, afterwards said unto him, 'Methinks you were not like yourself last day, in argument with the emperor; I could have answered better myself.' 'Why,' said the philosopher, 'would you have me contend with him that commands thirty legions?'

When Alexander passed into Asia, he gave large donatives to his captains, and other principal men of virtue; insomuch as Parmenio asked him, 'Sir, what do you keep for yourself?' He answered, 'Hope.'

Vespasian set a tribute upon urine; Titus his son emboldened himself to speak to his father of it: and represented it as a thing indign and sordid. Vespasian said nothing for the time; but a while after, when it was forgotten, sent for a piece of silver out of the tribute-money, and called to his son, bidding him to smell to it; and asked him, whether he found any offence? Who said, 'No.' 'Why so?' saith Vespasian again; 'yet this comes out of urine.'

Nerva the emperor succeeded Domitian, who had been tyrannical; and in his time many noble houses were overthrown by false accusations; the instruments whereof were chiefly Marcellus and Regulus. The emperor Nerva one night supped privately with some six or seven: amongst whom there was one that was a dangerous man; and began to take the like courses as Marcellus and Regulus had done. The emperor fell into discourse of the injustice and tyranny of the former time; and by name of the two accusers; and said, 'What should we do with them, if we had them now?' One of them that was at supper, and was a free-spoken senator, said, 'Marry, they should sup with us.'

There was one that found a great mass of money, digging under ground in his grandfather's house; and being somewhat doubtful of the case, signified it to the emperor that he had found such treasure. The emperor made a rescript thus: 'Use it.' He writ back again, that the sum was greater than his estate or condition could use. The emperor writ a new rescript, thus: 'Abuse it.'

Julius Cæsar, as he passed by, was, by acclamation of some that stood in the way, termed King, to try how the people would take it. The people showed great murmur and distaste at it. Cæsar, finding where the wind stood, slighted it, and said, 'I am not king but Cæsar;' as if they had mistaken his name. For Rex was a surname among the Romans, as King is with us.

When Croesus, for his glory, showed Solon his great treasures of gold, Solon said to him, 'If another king come that hath better iron man you, he will be master of all this gold.'

Aristippus being reprehended of luxury by one that was not rich, for that he gave six crowns for a small fish, answered, 'Why, what would you have given:' The other said, 'Some twelve pence.' Aristippus said again, 'And six crowns is no more with me.'

Plato reprehended severely a young man for entering into a dissolute house. The young man said to him, 'Why reprehend so sharply for so small a matter?' Plato replied, 'But custom is no small matter.'

Archidamus, king of Lacedæmon, having received from Philip, king of Macedon, after Philip had won the victory of Chæronea upon the Athenians, proud letters, writ back to him, 'That if he measured his own shadow, he would find it no longer than it was before his victory.'

Pyrrhus, when his friends congratulated to him his victory over the Romans, under the conduct of Fabricius, but with great slaughter of his own side, said to them again, 'Yes, but if we have such another victory, we are undone.'

Plato was wont to say of his master Socrates, that he was like the apothecaries' gallypots: that had on the outside apes, and owls, and satyrs; but within precious drugs.

Alexander sent to Phocion a great present of money. Phocion said to the messenger, 'Why doth the king send to me, and to none else?' The messenger answered, 'Because he takes you to be the only good man in Athens.' Phocion replied, 'If he thinks so, pray let him suffer me to be so still.'

At a banquet where those that were called the seven wise men of Greece were invited by the ambassador of a barbarous king, the ambassador related, that there was a neighbour mightier than his master, picked quarrels with him, by making impossible demands, otherwise threatening war: and now at that present had demanded of him, to drink up the sea. Whereunto one of the wise men said, 'I would have him undertake it.' 'Why,' saith the ambassador, 'how shall he come off?' 'Thus,' saith the wise man; 'let that king first stop the rivers which run into the sea, which are no part of the bargain, and then your master will perform it.'

At the same banquet, the ambassador desired the seven, and some other wise men that were at the banquet, to deliver every one of them some sentence or parable, that he might report to his king the wisdom of Græcia, which they did: only one was silent; which the ambassador perceiving, said to him, 'Sir, let it not displease you; why do not you say somewhat that I may report?' He answered, 'Report to your lord, that there are of the Grecians that can hold their peace.'

The Lacedæmonians had in custom to speak very short, which being an empire, they might do at pleasure: but after their defeat at Leuctra, in an assembly of the Grecians, they made a long invective against Epaminondas; who stood up, and said no more than this; 'I am glad we have brought you to speak long.'

Fabius Maximus being resolved to draw the war in length, still waited upon Hannibal's progress to curb him; and for that purpose he encamped upon the high ground: but Terentius his colleague fought with Hannibal, and was in great peril of overthrow: but then Fabius came down from the high grounds, and got the day. Whereupon Hannibal said, 'that he did ever think that that same cloud that hanged upon the hills, would at one time or other give a tempest.'

Hanno the Carthaginian was sent commissioner by the state, after the second Carthaginian war, to supplicate for peace, and in the end obtained it; yet one of the sharp senators said, 'You have often broken with us the peaces whereunto you have been sworn; I pray, by what god will you swear?' Hanno answered; 'By the same gods that have punished the former perjury so severely.'

Cæsar, when he first possessed Rome, Pompey being fled, offered to enter the sacred treasury to take the moneys that were there stored; and Metellus, tribune of the people, did forbid him: and when Metellus was violent in it, and would not desist, Cæsar turned to him, and said; 'Presume no farther, or I will lay you dead.' And when Metellus was with those words somewhat astonished, Cæsar added; 'Young man, it had been easier for me to do this, than to speak it.'

Caius Marius was general of the Romans against the Cimbers, who came with such a sea of people upon Italy. In the fight there was a band of the Cadurcians of a thousand, that did notable service; whereupon, after the fight, Marius did denison them all for citizens of Rome, though there was no law to warrant it. One of his friends did present it unto him, that he had transgressed the law, because that privilege was not to be granted but by the people. Whereunto Marius answered; 'that for the noise of arms he could not hear the laws.'

Pompey did consummate the war against Sertorius, when Metellus had brought the enemy somewhat low. He did also consummate the war against the fugitives, whom Crassus had before defeated in a great battle. So when Lucullus had had great and glorious victories against Mithridates and Tigranes; yet Pompey, by means his friends made, was sent to put an end to that war. Whereupon Lucullus taking indignation, as a disgrace offered to himself, said; 'that Pompey was a carrion crow: when others had strucken down the bodies, then Pompey came and preyed upon them.'

Antisthenes being asked of one what learning was most necessary for man's life? answered; 'To unlearn that which is nought.'

Alexander visited Diogenes in his tub; and when he asked him, what he would desire of him? Diogenes answered; 'That you would stand a little aside, that the sun may come to me.'

The same Diogenes, when mice came about him as he was eating, said; 'I see, that even Diogenes nourisheth parasites.'

Hiero visited by Pythagoras, asked him, 'of what condition he was?' Pythagoras answered; 'Sir, I know you have been at the Olympian games.' 'Yes,' saith Hiero. 'Thither,' saith Pythagoras, 'come some to win the prizes. Some come to sell their merchandize, because it is a kind of mart of all Greece. Some come to meet their friends, and to make merry; because of the great confluence of all sorts. Others come only to look on. I am one of them that come to look on.' Meaning it, of philosophy, and the contemplative life.

Heraclitus the obscure said; 'The dry light is the best soul:' meaning, when the faculties intellectual are in vigour, not drenched, or, as it were, blooded by the affections.

One of the philosophers was asked; 'what a wise man differed from a fool?' He answered, 'Send them both naked to those that know them not, and you shall perceive.'

There was a law made by the Romans against the bribery and extortion of the governors of provinces. Cicero saith in a speech of his to the people, 'that he thought the provinces would petition to the state of Rome to have that law repealed. For,' saith he, 'before the governors did bribe and extort as much as was sufficient for themselves; but now they bribe and extort as much as may be enough not only for themselves, but for the judges, and jurors, and magistrates.'

Aristippus sailing in a tempest, showed signs of fear. One of the seamen said to him, in an insulting manner: 'We that are plebeians are not troubled; you that are a philosopher are afraid.' Aristippus answered; 'That there is not the like wager upon it, for you to perish, and for me.'

There was an orator that defended a cause of Aristippus, and prevailed. Afterwards he asked Aristippus; 'Now, in your distress, what did Socrates do you good?' Aristippus answered; 'Thus, in making that which you said of me to be true.'

There was an Epicurean vaunted, that divers of other sects of philosophers did after turn Epicureans; but there never were any Epicureans that turned to any other sect. Whereupon a philosopher that was of another sect, said; 'The reason was plain, for that cocks may be made capons, but capons could never be made cocks.'

Chilon would say, 'That gold was tried with the touchstone, and men with gold.'

Simonides being asked of Hiero, 'what he thought of God?' asked a seven-night's time to consider of it; and at the seven-night's end, he asked a fortnight's time; at the fortnight's end, a month. At which Hiero marvelling, Simonides answered; 'that the longer he thought upon the matter, the more difficult he found it.'

A Spaniard was censuring to a French gentleman the want of devotion amongst the French; in that, whereas in Spain, when the sacrament goes to the sick, any that meets with it turns back and waits upon it to the house whither it goes; but in France they only do reverence, and pass by. But the French gentleman answered him, 'There is reason for it; for here with us Christ is secure amongst His friends; but in Spain there be so many Jews and Moranos, that it is not amiss for him to have a convoy.'

Mr. Popham, afterwards lord chief justice Popham, when he was speaker, and the house of commons had sat long, and done in effect nothing, coming one day to queen Elizabeth, she said to him, 'Now, Mr. Speaker, what hath passed in the commons house?' He answered, 'If it please your majesty, seven weeks.'

Themistocles in his lower fortune, loved a young gentleman who scorned him; but when he grew to his greatness, which was soon after, he sought him: Themistocles said, 'We are both grown wise, but too late.'

Bion was sailing, and there fell out a great tempest; and the mariners, that were wicked and dissolute fellows, called upon the gods; but Bion said to them, 'Peace, let them not know you are here.'

The Turks made an expedition into Persia; and because of the strait jaws of the mountains of Armenia, the bashaws consulted which way they should get in. One that heard the debate said, 'Here is much ado how you shall get in; but I hear nobody take care how you should get out.'

Philip king of Macedon maintained arguments with a musician in points of his art, somewhat peremptorily; but the musician said to him, 'God forbid, Sir, your fortune were so hard, that you should know these things better than myself.'

Antalcidas, when an Athenian said to him, 'Ye Spartans are unlearned,' said again, 'True, for we have learned no evil nor vice of you.'

Pace, the bitter fool, was not suffered to come at queen Elizabeth, because of his bitter humour. Yet at one time, some persuaded the queen that he should come to her; undertaking for him that he should keep within compass: so he was brought to her, and the queen said, 'Come on, Pace; now we shall hear of our faults.' Saith Pace, 'I do not use to talk of that that all the town talks of.'

Bishop ` said, in a sermon at court, 'That he heard great speech that the king was poor; and many ways were propounded to make him rich: for his part he had thought of one way, which was, that they should help the king to some good office, for all his officers were rich.'

After the defeat of Cyrus the younger, Falinus was sent by the king to the Grecians, who had for their part rather victory than otherwise, to command them to yield their arms: which when it was denied, Falinus said to Clearchus, 'Well, then, the king lets you know, that if you remove from the place where you are now encamped, it is war: if you stay, it is truce. What shall I say you will do?' Clearchus answered, 'It pleaseth us, as it pleaseth the king,' 'How is that?' saith Falinus. Saith Clearchus, 'If we remove, war: if we stay, truce;' and so would not disclose his purpose.

Alcibiades came to Pericles, and stayed a while ere he was admitted. When he came in, Pericles civilly excused it, and said: 'I was studying how to give mine account.' But Alcibiades said to him, 'If you will be ruled by me, study rather how to give no account.'

Mendoza, that was viceroy of Peru, was wont to say, 'That the government of Peru was the best place that the king of Spain gave, save that it was somewhat too near Madrid.'

When Vespasian passed from Jewry to take upon him the empire, he went by Alexandria, where remained two famous philosophers, Apollonius and Euphrates. The emperor heard them discourse touching matter of state, in the presence of many. And when he was weary of them, he brake off, and in secret derision, finding their discourses but speculative, and not to be put in practice, said, 'O that I might govern wise men, and wise men govern me.'

Cardinal Ximenes, upon a muster, which was taken against the Moors, was spoken to by a servant of his to stand a little out of the smoke of the harquebus: but he said again, 'that that was his incense.'

Nero was wont to say of his master, Seneca, 'That his style was like mortar without lime.'

Augustus Cæsar, out of great indignation against his two daughters, and Posthumus Agrippa, his grandchild; whereof the two first were infamous, and the last otherwise unworthy; would say, 'That they were not his seed, but some imposthumes that had broken from him.'

A seaman coming before the judges of the admiralty for admittance into an office of a ship bound for the Indies, was by one of the judges much slighted, as an insufficient person for that office he sought to obtain; the judge telling him, 'that he believed he could not say the points of his compass.' The seaman answered; 'that he could say them, under favour, better than he could say his Pater-noster' The judge replied, 'that he would wager twenty shillings with him upon that.' The seaman taking him up, it came to trial: and the seaman began, and said all the points of his compass very exactly: the judge likewise said his Pater-noster; and when he had finished it, he required the wager according to agreement; because the seaman was to say his compass better than he his Pater-noster which he had not performed. 'Nay, I pray, Sir, hold,' quoth the seaman, 'the wager is not finished; for I have but half done:' and so he immediately said his compass backward very exactly; which the judge failing of in his Pater-noster the seaman carried away the prize.

There was a conspiracy against the emperor Claudius by Scribonianus, examined in the senate; where Claudius sat in his chair, and one of his freed servants stood at the back of his chair. In the examination, that freed servant, who had much power with Claudius, very saucily, had almost all the words: and amongst other things, he asked in scorn one of the examinates, who was likewise a freed servant of Scribonianus; 'I pray, Sir, if Scribonianus had been emperor, what would you have done?' He answered; 'I would have stood behind his chair and held my peace.'

One was saying that his great-grandfather, and grandfather, and father, died at sea: said another that heard him, 'And I were as you, I would never come at sea.' 'Why,' saith he, 'where did your great-grandfather, and grandfather, and father die?' He answered; 'Where but in their beds?' He answered; 'And I were you, I would never come in bed.'

There was a dispute, whether great heads or little heads had the better wit? And one said, 'It must needs be the little: for that it is a maxim, Omne majus continet in se minus'.

Sir Thomas More, when the counsel of the party pressed him for a longer day to perform the decree, said; 'Take saint Barnaby's day, which is the longest day in the year.' Now saint Barnaby's day was within few days following.

One of the fathers saith, 'That there is but this difference between the death of old men and young men; that old men go to death, and death comes to young men.'

Cassius, after the defeat of Crassus by the Parthians, whose weapons were chiefly arrows, fled to the city of Cnarras, where he durst not stay any time, doubting to be pursued and besieged; he had with him an astrologer, who said to him, 'Sir, I would not have you go hence, while the moon is in the sign of Scorpio.' Cassius answered, 'I am more afraid of that of Sagittarius.'

Jason the Thessalian was wont to say, 'that some things must be done unjustly, that many things may be done justly.'

Cato Major would say, 'That wise men learned more by fools, than fools by wise men.'

When it was said to Anaxagoras; 'The Athenians have condemned you to die;' he said again, 'And Nature them.'

Alexander, when his father wished him to run for the prize of the race at the Olympian games, for he was very swift, answered: 'He would, if he might run with kings.'

Antigonus used often to go disguised, and to listen at the tents of his soldiers; and at a time heard some that spoke very ill of him. Whereupon he opened the tent a little, and said to them: 'If you would speak ill of me, you should go a little farther off.'

Aristippus said: 'That those that studied particular sciences, and neglected philosophy, were like Penelope's wooers, that made love to the waiting woman.'

The ambassadors of Asia Minor came to Antonius, after he had imposed upon them a double tax, and said plainly to him; 'That if he would have two tributes in one year, he must give them two seed-times and two harvests.'

An orator of Athens said to Demosthenes; 'The Athenians will kill you if they wax mad.' Demosthenes replied, 'And they will kill you if they be in good sense.'

Epictetus used to say; 'That one of the vulgar, in any ill that happens to him, blames others; a novice in philosophy blames himself; and a philosopher blames neither the one nor the other.'

Cæsar, in his book that he made against Cato, which is lost, did write, to show the force of opinion and reverence of a man that had once obtained a popular reputation; 'There were some that found Cato drunk, and were ashamed instead of Cato.'

There was a nobleman said of a great counsellor, 'that he would have made the worse farrier in the world; for he never shod horse but he cloyed him: for he never commended any man to the king for service, or upon occasion of suit, or otherwise, but that he would come in in the end with a but, and drive in a nail to his disadvantage.'

Diogenes called an ill physician, Cock. 'Why?' saith he. Diogenes answered; 'Because when you crow men used to rise.'

There was a gentleman fell very sick, and a friend of his said to him; 'Surely you are in danger; I pray send for a physician.' But the sick man answered; 'It is no matter, for if I die, I will die at leisure.'

Cato the elder, what time many of the Romans had statues erected in their honour, was asked by one in a kind of wonder, 'Why he had none?' He answered, 'He had much rather men should ask and wonder why he had no statue, than why he had a statue.'

A certain friend of Sir Thomas More's, taking great pains about a book, which he intended to publish, being well conceited of his own wit, which no man else thought worthy of commendation, brought it to Sir Thomas More to peruse it, and pass his judgment upon it: which he did; and finding nothing therein worthy the press, he said to him with a grave countenance; 'That if it were in verse it would be more worthy.' Upon which words, he went immediately and turned it into verse, and then brought it to Sir Thomas again; who looking thereon, said soberly; 'Yes, marry, now it is somewhat, for now it is rhyme: whereas before it was neither rhyme nor reason.'

Sir Henry Wotton used to say, 'That critics were like brushers of noblemen's clothes.'

Hannibal said of Fabius Maximus, and of Marcellus, whereof the former waited upon him, that he could make no progress, and the latter had many sharp fights with him; 'That he feared Fabius like a tutor and Marcellus like an enemy.'

When King Edward the second was amongst his torturers, who hurried him to and fro, that no man should know where he was, they set him down upon a bank; and one time, the more to disguise his face, shaved him, and washed him with cold water of a ditch by: the king said; 'Well, yet I will have warm water for my beard;' and so shed abundance of tears.

One of the Seven was wont to say; 'That laws were like cobwebs; where the small flies were caught, and the great break through.'

Lewis the eleventh of France, having much abated the greatness and power of the peers, nobility, and court of parliament, would say, 'That he had brought the crown out of ward.'

There was a cowardly Spanish soldier, that in a defeat the Moors gave, ran away with the foremost. Afterwards, when the army generally fled, the soldier was missing. Whereupon it was said by some that he was slain. 'No sure,' said one, 'he is alive; for the Moors eat no hare's flesh.'

A gentleman that was punctual of his word, and loved the same in others, when he heard that two persons had agreed upon a meeting about serious affairs, at a certain time and place; and that the one party failed in the performance, or neglected his hour: would usually say of him, 'He is a young man then.'

Anacharsis would say, concerning the popular estates of Græcia, that 'he wondered how at Athens wise men did propose, and fools dispose.'

When Queen Elizabeth had advanced Raleigh, she was one day playing on the virginals, and my lord of Oxford and another nobleman stood by. It fell out so, that the ledge before the jacks was taken away, so as the jacks were seen: my lord of Oxford and the other nobleman smiled, and a little whispered. The queen marked it, and would needs know what the matter was? My lord of Oxford answered; 'That they smiled to see that when jacks went up, heads went down.'

Sir Thomas More, who was a man, in all his lifetime, that had an excellent vein in jesting, at the very instant of his death, having a pretty long beard, after his head was upon the block, lift it up again, and gently drew his beard aside, and said; 'this hath not offended the king.'

Demonax the philosopher, when he died, was asked touching his burial. He answered, 'Never take care for burying me, for stink will bury me.' He that asked him said again: 'Why, would you have your body left to the dogs and ravens to feed upon?' Demonax answered; 'Why, what great hurt is it if, having sought to do good, when I lived, to men, my body do some good to beasts, when I am dead.'

Phocion the Athenian, a man of great severity, and no ways flexible to the will of the people, one day, when he spake to the people, in one part of his speech, was applauded: whereupon he turned to one of his friends, and asked, 'What have I said amiss ?'

Bion was wont to say; 'That Socrates, of all the lovers of Alcibiades, only held him by the ears.'

There was a philosopher about Tiberius, that looking into the nature of Caius, said of him; 'that he was mire mingled with blood.'

There was a bishop that was somewhat a delicate person, and bathed twice a day. A friend of his said to him; 'My lord, why do you bathe twice a day?' The bishop answered; 'Because I cannot conveniently bathe thrice.'

When Sir Thomas More was lord chancellor, he did use, at mass, to sit in the chancel; and his lady in a pew. And because the pew stood out of sight, his gentleman-usher, ever after service, came to the lady's pew, and said, 'Madam, my lord is gone.' So when the chancellor's place was taken from him, the next time they went to church, Sir Thomas himself came to his lady's pew, and said, 'Madam, my lord is gone.'

A Grecian captain advising the confederates that were united against the Lacedæmonians, touching their enterprise, gave opinion, that they should go directly upon Sparta, saying, 'That the state of Sparta was like rivers; strong when they had run a great way, and weak towards their head.'

One was examined upon certain scandalous words spoken against the king. He confessed them, and said, 'It is true, I spake them, and if the wine had not failed, I had said much more.'

Trajan would say, 'That the king's exchequer was like the spleen; for when that did swell, the whole body did pine.'

Charles the Bald allowed one, whose name was Scottus, to sit at the table with him, for his pleasure: Scottus sat on the other side of the table. One time the king being merry with him, said to him, 'What is there between Scott and sot?' Scottus answered, 'The table only.'

There was a marriage between a widow of great wealth and a gentleman of a great house, that had no estate or means. Jack Roberts said, 'That marriage was like a black pudding; the one brought blood, and the other brought suet and oatmeal.'

Croesus said to Cambyses, 'That peace was better than war; because in peace the sons did bury their fathers, but in the wars the fathers did bury their sons.'

Carvajal, when he was drawn to execution, being fourscore and five years old, and laid upon the hurdle, said, 'What! young in cradle old in cradle!'

Diogenes was asked in a kind of scorn, 'What was the matter, that philosophers haunted rich men, and not rich men philosophers?' He answered, 'Because the one knew what they wanted, the other did not.'

Demetrius, king of Macedon, had a petition offered him divers times by an old woman, and still answered, 'He had no leisure.' Whereupon the woman said aloud, 'Why then give over to be king.'

There were two gentlemen, otherwise of equal degree, save that the one was of the ancienter house. The other in courtesy asked his hand to kiss: which he gave him; and he kissed it: but said withal to right himself by way of friendship, 'Well, I and you against any two of them:' putting himself first.

Themistocles would say of himself, 'That he was like a plane tree, that in tempests men fled to him, and in fair weather men were ever cropping his leaves.'

Themistocles said of speech, 'That it was like arras, that spread abroad shows fair images, but contracted is but like packs.'

Lycurgus would say of divers of the heroes of the heathen, 'That he wondered that men should mourn upon their days for them as mortal men, and yet sacrifice to them as gods.'

Fabricius, in conference with Pyrrhus, was tempted to revolt to him; Pyrrhus telling him that he should be partner of his fortunes, and second person to him. But Fabricius answered, in a scorn, to such a motion, 'Sir, that would not be good for yourself: for if the Epirotes once knew me, they will rather desire to be governed by me, than by you.'

Thales said, 'that life and death were all one.' One that was present asked him, 'Why do not you die, then?' Thales said again, 'Because they are all one.'

An Egyptian priest having conference with Solon, said to him, 'You Grecians are ever children; you have no knowledge of antiquity, nor antiquity of knowledge.'

Diogenes was one day in the market-place with a candle in his hand; and being asked, 'What he sought?' he said, 'He sought a roan.'

Bias being asked, 'How a man should order his life?' answered, 'As if a man should live long, or die quickly.'

Queen Elizabeth was entertained by my lord Burleigh at Theobalds; and at her going away, my lord obtained of the queen to make seven knights. They were gentlemen of the country, of my lord's friends and neighbours. They were placed in a rank, as the queen should pass by the hall, and to win antiquity of knighthood, in order, as my lord favoured: though indeed the more principal gentlemen were placed lowest. The queen was told of it, and said nothing; but when she went along, she passed them all by, as far as the skreen, as if she had forgot it: and when she came to the skreen, she seemed to take herself with the manner, and said, 'I had almost forgot what I promised.' With that she turned back, and knighted the lowest first, and so upward. Whereupon Mr. Stanhope, of the privy-chamber, a while after told her, 'Your majesty was too fine for my lord Burleigh.' She answered, 'I have but fulfilled the Scripture; the first shall be last, and the last first.'

Sir Fulke Grevill had much and private access to Queen Elizabeth, which he used honourably, and did many men good; yet he would say merrily of himself, 'That he was like Robin Goodfellow; for when the maids split the milkpans, or kept any racket, they would lay it upon Robin: so what tales the ladies about the queen told her, or other bad offices that they did, they would put it upon him.'

There was a politic sermon, that had no divinity in it, preached before the king. The king, as he came forth, said to bishop Andrews, 'Call you this a sermon?' The bishop answered, 'And it please your majesty, by a charitable construction it may be a sermon.'

Henry Noel would say, 'That courtiers were like fasting-days; they were next the holy-days, but in themselves they were the most meagre days of the week.'

Cato said, 'The best way to keep good acts in memory, was to refresh them with new.'

Aristippus said, 'He took money of his friends, not so much to use it himself, as to teach them how to bestow their money.'

Democritus said, 'That truth did lie in profound pits, and when it was got, it needed much refining.'

Diogenes said of a young man that danced daintily, and was much commended, 'The better, the worse'.

There was a nobleman that was lean of visage, but immediately after his marriage he grew pretty plump and fat. One said to him, 'Your lordship doth contrary to other married men; for they at the first wax lean, and you wax fat.' Sir Walter Raleigh stood by, and said, 'Why, there is no beast, that if you take him from the common, and put him into the several, but he will wax fat.'

Plutarch said well, 'It is otherwise in a commonwealth of men than of bees: the hive of a city or kingdom is in best condition when there is least of noise or buzz in it.'

The same Plutarch said of men of weak abilities set in great place. 'That they were like little statues set on great bases, made to appear the less by their advancement.'

He said again, 'Good fame is like fire. When you have kindled it, you may easily preserve it; but if once you extinguish it, you will not easily kindle it again; at least, not make it burn as bright as it did.'

Queen Elizabeth seeing Sir Edward ---- in her garden, looked out at her window, and asked him in Italian, 'What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?' Sir Edward, who had not had the effect of some of the queen's grants so soon as he hoped and desired, paused a little; and then made answer, 'Madam, he thinks of a woman's promise.' The queen shrunk in her head; but was heard to say, 'Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute you. Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.'

When any great officer, ecclesiastical or civil, was to be made, the queen would inquire after the piety, integrity, and learning of the man. And when she was satisfied in these qualifications, she would consider of his personage. And upon such an occasion, she pleased once to say to me, 'Bacon, how can the magistrate maintain his authority, when the man is despised?'

In eighty-eight, when the queen went from Temple-bar along Fleet-street, the lawyers were ranked on one side, and the companies of the city on the other; said Mr. Bacon to a lawyer who stood next to him, 'Do but observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if first to us, they are in law'.

King James was wont to be very earnest with the country gentlemen to go from London to their country houses. And sometimes he would say thus to them, 'Gentlemen, at London you are like ships at sea, which show like nothing; but in your country villages you are like ships in a river, which look like great things.'

Soon after the death of a great officer, who was judged no advancer of the king's matters, the king said to his solicitor Bacon, who was his kinsman, 'Now tell me truly, what say you of your cousin that is gone?' Mr. Bacon answered, 'Sir, since your majesty doth charge me, I'll e'en deal plainly with you, and give you such a character of him, as if I were to write his story. I do think he was no fit counsellor to make your affairs better; but yet he was fit to have kept them from growing worse.' The king said, 'On my so'l, man, in the first thou speakest like a true man, and in the latter like a kinsman.'

King James, as he was a prince of great judgment, so he was a prince of a marvellous pleasant humour; and there now come into my mind two instances of it. As he was going through Lusen, by Greenwich, he asked what town it was? They said, Lusen. He asked a good while after, 'What town is this we are now in ?' They said still, 'twas Lusen. 'On my so'l,' said the king, 'I will be king of Lusen.'

In some other of his progresses, he asked how far it was to a town whose name I have forgotten. They said, Six miles. Half an hour after, he asked again. One said, Six miles and a half. The king alighted out of his coach and crept under the shoulder of his led horse. And when some asked his majesty what he meant? 'I must stalk,' said he, 'for yonder town is shy, and flies me.'

Count Gondomar sent a compliment to my lord St. Alban, wishing him a good Easter. My lord thanked the messenger, and said, 'He could not at present requite the count better than in returning him the like; that he wished his lordship a good Passover.'

My lord Chancellor Elsmere, when he had read a petition which he disliked, would say, 'What, you would have my hand to this now?' And the party answering, 'Yes;' he would say farther, 'Well, so you shall: nay, you shall have both my hands to it.' And so would, with both his hands, tear it in pieces.

Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of an angry man who suppressed his passion, 'That he thought worse than he spake;' and of an angry man that would chide, 'That he spoke worse than he thought.'

He was wont also to say, 'That power in an ill man was like the power of a black witch; he could do hurt, but no good with it.' And he would add, 'That the magicians could turn water into blood, but could not turn the blood again to water.'

When Mr. Attorney Coke, in the exchequer, gave high words to Sir Francis Bacon, and stood much upon his higher place; Sir Francis said to him, 'Mr. Attorney, the less you speak of your own greatness, the more I shall think of it; and the more the less.'

Sir Francis Bacon coming into the Earl of Arundel's garden, where there were a great number of ancient statues of naked men and women, made a stand, and, as astonished, cried out, 'The resurrection.'

Sir Francis Bacon, who was always for moderate counsels, when one was speaking of such a reformation of the Church of England, as would in effect make it no Church; said thus to him, 'Sir, the subject we talk of is the eye of England; and if there be a speck or two in the eye, we endeavour to take them off; but he were a strange oculist who would pull out the eye.'

The same Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say, 'That those who left useful studies for useless scholastic speculations, were like the Olympic gamesters, who abstained from necessary labours, that they might be fit for such as were not so.'

He likewise often used this comparison: 'The empirical philosophers are like to pismires; they only lay up and use their store. The rationalists are like the spiders; they spin all out of their own bowels. But give me a philosopher, who like the bee hath a middle faculty, gathering from abroad, but digesting that which is gathered by his own virtue.'

The lord St. Alban, who was not over hasty to raise theories, but proceeded slowly by experiments, was wont to say to some philosophers who would not go his pace, 'Gentlemen, nature is a labyrinth, in which the very haste you move with will make you lose your way.'

The same lord, when he spoke of the Dutchmen, used to say, 'That we could not abandon them for our safety, nor keep them for our profit.' And sometimes he would express the same sense in this manner: 'We hold the Belgic lion by the ears.'

The same lord, when a gentleman seemed not much to approve of his liberality to his retinue, said to him, 'Sir, I am all of a piece; if the head be lifted up, the inferior parts of the body must too.'

The lord Bacon was wont to commend the advice of the plain old man at Buxton, that sold besoms; a proud lazy young fellow came to him for a besom upon trust; to whom the old man said, 'Friend, hast thou no money? borrow of thy back, and borrow of thy belly, they'll never ask thee again, I shall be dunning thee every day.'

Jack Weeks said of a great man, just then dead, who pretended to some religion, but was none of the best livers, 'Well, I hope he if in heaven. Every man thinks as he wishes, but if he be in heaven, 'twere pity it were known.'